Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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