nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
