just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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