i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
