No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
