Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
