i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
