I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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