so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I am one with the molecules
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
