The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
