i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
