Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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