Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
