Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize