Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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