everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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