You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
