just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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