god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
