Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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