Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
