ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
