Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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