Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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