I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
