How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
