sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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