garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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