I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
