so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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