i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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