I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
