I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
