best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
