Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
