he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize