Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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