i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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