They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
