I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
