just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
