Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
