I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
