Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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