i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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