We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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