I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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