i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He shit in the fireplace
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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