You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
