Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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