also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
