just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
