Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
