we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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