You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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