He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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