im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
