why didn't you poke me back
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
