Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
