I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize