Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
